I don't know why today is such a hard day for me. It's beautiful outside, sunny and unusually warm, but I can't embrace the day. I'm crying for no specific reason, just the overall sadness of knowing that I can't stop people from dying and that one day, someday, people I love will no longer be a part of this world. I can't bear the thought of it but I know I have no choice. How do we go on this way?
I know that having an end to things makes us value them, I get that. But why does it have to be such an abrupt end? Why can't there be more of a transition from this place to the next one? And why can't there be some certainty given to us that there is something that comes after this?
I know I'm supposed to have faith in the after life and I do believe there is something after this, but what I'd really like is for there to be proof of it. For instance, I wish that my sister, Kathy, who died a few weeks ago, would send us a sign and tell us all is well with her, that she's out there somewhere in the cosmos reunited with my father, who died in 1996. For that matter why couldn't Dad have done the same for us when he died? Why does there have to be this impenetrable wall between our world and the next one?
Life is sad today, that's the bottom line. I miss my sister. She looked beautiful on Christmas day but I never told her that. Too much hustle and bustle that day, too many other people milling around, and she left before I got the chance or made the time to talk to her. I want that day back. I want it back so badly. I just want the chance to embrace her, tell her I love her, and say goodbye. Maybe that's why I can't embrace this day -- because I can't embrace her.
I know this day will pass and my tears will dry but right now they are flowing and nothing I can think of seems to stem the tide. I picture Kathy laughing and I cry knowing that I'll never hear her laughter again. I know my grief pales in comparison to my mother's, who has lost her child, or my sister's children, who have lost their mother, or my sister's husband, who has lost his wife. But I've lost a sister; our flock is smaller now and it's hard to carry on without her.
My day is much like yours. The youngest kiddo called this morning and she told me she wrote to the Main Street characters, thanking them for their love of Kathy and was proud to be known as "Kathy's Baby Sister" which used to drive her crazy. She was crying and I was crying and I finally had to just hang up. Rick came over and I cried some more. It will get better I keep telling myself. As for an afterlife, This belief has been around for thousands of years. Would it have survived this long if it weren't true? Maybe we don't look hard enough for signs?
ReplyDeleteMy mom died in a car accident, so no last change to offer up a hug or a kiss, or to tell her how important she was in my life. My dad died of cancer, over a period of three years. While we had plenty of time to talk, laugh and reminisce, it was awful watching him suffer. Which is the better way to lose someone who brings so much into your life - who gave me life, in fact? I don't know, there are trade-offs both ways. But I do believe that the people in our lives whom we love know it - even if we don't always say it.
ReplyDeleteKim and MD, thank you both for your comments. Kim, I can only imagine how difficult it must've been for you to lose both of your parents and to experience grief in both types of circumstances. I agree there are trade-offs and can only hope that the people in my life know I love them even if I don't always remember to say it. MD, I'm sure you're right about the after life. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough for signs or maybe I just don't recognize them. I'll keep looking and let you know what I see. Thanks for the supportive words, both of you; I appreciate them and you for taking the time to offer them.
ReplyDeleteHey Mary - how's this? Right after Grandpa died, my mom and I were driving, talking about him, just remembering - and we saw the most beautiful, *complete* triple rainbow!
ReplyDeleteIt is overwhelming, thinking of all the "letting go" we have to do. I can't even imagine ... no, I WON'T even imagine - what it would be like to lose one of my kids. It just sort of catches in my breath every time I think of having to say goodbye. Maybe you're right - part of the reason we lose people like we do is to remind us to value those we still have - but I wish there was another way!
I still can't imagine St. Louis without Kathy - her laugh plays through my head as part of the St. Louis Soundtrack. No matter who else we get to add to the soundtrack over the years, it will always be missing something, just not quite right. Sigh.
I don't even know what I can say to help ease the pain--that's part of the reason I've delayed in commenting. I'm certain the people we love know how we feel, even if we don't say it often enough. Is there something after all this? I have to believe there is but I certainly wish there was a way to know for sure--maybe Mom is right and that we aren't looking hard enough?
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