2009 is shaping up to be the year of remorse and regret brought on by my sister's death in the final days of 2008. Since her death I've learned that I hurt her feelings on more than one occasion. On some level I already knew that, but having it stated clearly and emphatically has left me reeling and trying to explain if not defend myself and my actions.
I love all my siblings but I'm not friends with all of them. I have two sisters with whom I am especially close and I count them, along with my mother, as my best friends. Circumstances and personality traits enabled us all to "click" with one another. We enjoy each other's company and get together when we can to play cards or go to dinner.
Family members rarely end up being friends. I consider myself lucky to call my mother and my sisters "friends." You can't force that kind of thing; sometimes you "click" with people and sometimes you don't. Unfortunately, in this case the outcome of the four of us "clicking" is that we formed what others in the family perceived as a "clique."
I know some think it should be different where family is involved, because you do get only one family. And maybe they are right. I hate hurting people's feelings and will do just about anything to avoid it. Maybe we should include all of our siblings in more things just so we don't hurt anyone's feelings.
Part of the problem with trying to include everyone is that there are just so many of us. Sometimes I get tired just thinking about the logistics involved in including everyone every time in every activity that might be planned. But I'm going to do my best this year to be more inclusive. I want to do more "clicking" and less "cliquing." And who knows, maybe I'll end up with more siblings who I consider my friends by the end of 2009.
Regrets, we have a few. But it is so hard to even get everyone together; and let's face it, sometimes I just needed to get away with those of you who don't live in this house. Originally, it was just something me and Mary H., you and Liz did to give us a little break away from everyone. I needed that mini vacation and still do, but it probably won't ever happen again.
ReplyDeleteDon't regret that time we all had together. It was a special time and meant a lot to me to be able to look forward to it. We are none of us a clique, it was just perceived that way. I will never be sorry we had those weekend vacations, no matter what. I do wish we had included Kathy in our "downtown" getaway, but where does one draw the line? The cold, hard fact is, sometimes I need that special time.
Some times I count myself lucky that 99% of my relatives are at least 350 miles away! Not much opportunity for people to get "clicked" off!
ReplyDeleteHi Mary,
ReplyDeleteThere are some people that we are on the same wavelength with and some not. While you and Kathy were not on the same wavelength, she seemed to have many others that were on hers (red hat ladies, Disney characters on Main Street). Somehow, I can't see you in either of those "cliques."
There are times when we need to be around people who "get us." (Writing group!) It's not selfish and it's not meant to hurt others' feelings. It simply is what it is.
You did a great job of expressing the dilemma, and I hope it helped you to write about it.
Wryly
I agree with Wryly; you did a nice job expressing the dilemma. I, too, hope it helped to write about it; but it served more to make me regret all the times we inadvertently hurt her feelings by not including her.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I have such great sisters and such a wonderful mother to call my best friends.
My dear Pashminas all,
ReplyDeleteYou helped me to help Mary put this away where it won't hurt her every day. The Kathy we knew back in the days when we didn't include her were very different from what she became since then. As she lost weight, she gained more confidence in herself and was a much better person to herself and the rest of us. In the end, she liked herself and we liked her for becoming what she was - a funny, open-hearted, generous soul. She loved us all and wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. Forgive yourself. You are a remarkable person, a true peacemaker in our family and I count my blessings every day that I have you as my friend.